o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
