Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
