My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
