I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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