can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
