Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
