Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
