i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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