I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
