Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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