I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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