I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We have started to decorate penises.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
