he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
