I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
