I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
