I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
