4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
