a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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