Yo dont text me then not text me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize