I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
