the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
