Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
