Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize