I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
