Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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