Buhtt sex?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
