i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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