i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
