now i know why i became what i already was.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
