Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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