I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
