tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
