like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
