My friends, they love my intelligence
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
