I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
