What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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