I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize