A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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