return my video game
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
