I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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