Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
