I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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