He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize