also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
