Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize