he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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