i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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