It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize