My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
