cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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