oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Bring me that man meat
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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