tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
