I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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