nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
