i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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