mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
