Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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