I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
