Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
