I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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