I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
