but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
